I’ve watched a lot of classic hindi serials, while I was growing up. All of that K serial bakwas, kyunki ….and kahaani ghar ghar ki and all that. I loved this serial on sony, called kaisa yeh pyar hai, and watched it religiously, cuz it was so much mush and cuz of the guy, Iqbal Khan. I was in grade 7 at the time, and all of us friends watched it and we loved it so much, we’d sit in class and sing the title track, when we wud all be singing songs. That and this other one, called Dill mill gayye. Oh boy, was Dr. Arman cute. And he was the perfect lover boy, with his ripped muscles and his witty comebacks and his cute lil theme music. *sigh* Unfortunately, they both dragged on and the leads changed and then changed back, and then it just lost its charm somewhere along the way.
I still watch one or two occasionally, but only when there’s good (looking) male leads in them. Good enough for me to ignore all the other things like lack of storyline, impractical scenarios, lack of common sense in everyday situations, overacting, bad acting, annoying sound effects, loud makeup and over the top households. As senseless and as annoying as they were, I’ve picked up a few lessons along the way
1-COMMUNICATION: For the love of God, just communicate. Properly. Openly. Say that whole damn question and leave out the vague “tumne jo kiya tha uske saath” and “uss raat ka hamara raaz” and all that. Its just so important to communicate. “Saaf saaf batao,aakhir kya kehna chahte ho!” I mean you could be accusing somebody of one sin, and then thyre probably feeling guilty about another, and then suddenly, you have 2 problems to deal with, instead of one.
And of course, when you’re going to ask for your beti’s rishta and instead of saying “humein aapka beta Sameer pasand hai hamari (deewani beti) ke liye”, u say “humein aapka beta pasand hai” and then they think you mean their other useless ugly beta Rahul, when u actually wanted Sameer. And in your quest to be stingy and Gujarati, and save 5 words that day, you just screwed up Beti, Sameer and Rahul’s life. Wich brings me to our next point,
2- CHECK UNDER THE GHOONGHAT: This kind of situation is likely if your parents were hell bent on deciding ur rishta without mentioning any names. Or if the bride /groom was dumb enough to make his/her younger sibling sit in place till they come back from whatever genius last min errand they had to run. All it takes is one traffic jam for them to get stuck there and you end up married with your supposed jeeja/ bhabi. AWKWARDD. And then even more awkward, when they pick up the ghoonghat on the shaadi ki raat, and they think its some kind of cruel joke when they see their supposed saali there, instead of his bride, but poor guy doesn’t realize jokes on him. FOR LIFE. (ala Roli and Simar; and what kind of stupid name is Roli? Like Rollie, pollie and Ollie???) So just pop a looker under the ghoonghat before you say your “qubool hai”s or take your pheras.
3-SIGNING PAPERS: Really now. You should have this much sense when you raised a 400Cr business empire (or so, you say). Cuz it makes anybody doubt your qaabilyat when you have all this big money but you don’t know the basic of how to protect urself from hadap-ment. Let me tell you then. You read the God damned papers before you sign them and sign over your 20 years ki mehnat to some really ugly vamp and her stupid spoilt kid.
Or that friend zoned third wheel finally decided he wants to separate you from the love of your life, so he can have you for urself, and then you end up divorced from your beloved? And to top that dard and dukh, your beloved thinks you never loved him cuz stupid third wheel went and told him some finely crafted story about how you never wanted to be with him anyway and shows that signed paper as proof? There goes ur love story of a lifetime.
Or, what if someone sneaked in some marriage contract under the business documents, and now u end up married to the creep that always creeped you out? HUH? Socha hai ? Kabhi iss baarey mein socha bhi hai tumne?
We understand “pati ko khoney ka dard kya hota hai” (obviously itna toh nahi hota hai ke tum apna nude makeup lagana bhool jao) and right now, you just want to sit in a corner and cry but don’t trust Sharmaji, even if hes the family lawyer, and don’t trust ur useless devar and please USE YOUR OWN BRAIN and eyes before you sign over your husbands khoon paseena to those worthless chors.
4-SECRET SHARING – When you’re talking about secret, and most probably, evil things, that you and your crime partner had decided you were going to take to the grave, close the big fat door. Theres a reason it’s a door, and not a curtain, and that is so you can shut the door. And if you’re reviewing your crime history with someone that youre not supposed to be seen with then, can I suggest you also pull the curtains? And maybe dim the lights? Cuz u know ppl can see silhouettes and stuff, and then ppl might accuse you of being indecent “sach batao, uss raat main ne kisi ko dekha tumhare kamrey se jaateve” and u don’t need all this ilzaam of being chichori, cuz ur evil anyway and that’s hard enuf to hide on its own, without additional shaming.
Smart idea: (closed doors and windows, whispered voices and dim lights in a non public place) Uss raat jab humne usey *does that swipe action for killing*, tumne sab saaf safai toh kar di thi na?
BAD idea: (open doors and windows, loud voices, spotlights, in Priyas home)
Uss raat jab humne Priya ke pati ki gaadi ka brake fail karwaya tha, tumne saare saboot factory mein kyun chupaaye they?
Good job, you geniuses. Priya just heard it and is now running with her sari waving like mad, to her bedroom at the other end of the mansion, where she will shut the doors and then just slide down the door, with her back to it and huddle there and cry, while staring at the framed picture on the wall of her and pati-dev. GOOD JOB. Now we have to watch this woman cry for the next 2 episodes, cuz somebaady was too lazy to close the door. Oh, and poor Priya. Obviii.
5-EVIL PEOPLE- If somebody
-looks evil
-acts evil and fishy
-is giving tirchi nazrein
-is startled when you come to their room
-looks like their thinking too hard ( read: scheming) during family crisis announcements
and aapka dil keh raha hai, then they probably are evil. And by look evil I mean, wear big snake/ scorpion inspired bindis, dark lipshades, very skanky blouses and are constantly twirling or flipping their hair. Like Ms. Maqsood said, size of bindi is directly proportional to evilness.
Or if somebody is being nice, very nice, to even the allegedly evil person, then chances are they are just being nice to get in your good books and then, screw your life, for some long over due revenge.
6 – BABY SWAP- When you have a baby, please make sure the lights in the hospital don’t go out. And if they do, make sure you have a cell fone flashlight to use. Either way, don’t let the nurses go away with your baby till you see them putting a name tag on the baby. For all you know, your lost child will come back 20 years later, and everyone will think you had an affair, when the nurses were just too lazy to do their job properly. And if your son has already grown up, but seems not to inherit the wonderful mahaanta like qualities of you and your spouse, or your sexy looks, then get a DNA test done. ASAP. We cant have strangers inheriting the family business and then doing aiyyashi with it, all cuz they don’t have your pure blood running thru their veins.
7- LOVE RETURNS – If you have lost your dear beloved life partner, and your married life had barely begun and you both were truly, madly, deeply in love, then tumhara pyar laut aayega. Kyunki uss ne waada kiya tha, ke zindagi ke har modh pe tum dono saath chalengey. So, have faith and hold on.
Because he will come back. He might not have the same face (plastic surgery cuz he died in the crash rembbb?), but he will have the same name and the same heart he loved you with. Or if you get lucky, he might have the same face, but hes proly lost his memory and identity (car crash yaaar, abhi toh boli thi! ). But he will come back. He HAS to.
Or if neither of that happens, your old flame, aka best friend, will slowly come back into the picture and make his place in your and your daughter’s heart aur tumhara parivar ek baar phir poora hojayega. Maana ki us ski jageh koi nahi le sakta, par tumhari zindagi ka akelapan toh door ho sakta hai.
Or that friendly acquantaince who made short appearances and deep impressions on your life and magically saved you both from that freakishly scary situation will propose to you for marriage. Cuz he always had a soft spot for you, and not because he said “aap mere bade bhai jaisey hain” to your husband. Tharki.
(Disclaimer: this is the only one lesson I wouldn’t recommend taking to heart. For the sake of your own sanity)
And also two life advice/ self help tips:
1-If you are a nice, religious, wise person, and aapne kabhi kisi ka kuch nahi bigaada hai, then you have a high chance of growing old. Very old. Old enuf to watch 4+ generations of your santaan, among which the daughters of your daughters will also look identical.
2- Near a window, place frames of your loved ones and leave the window open. If theres a storm brewing, or some kind of wild wind knocks them over, don’t just put the frame back and close the window. RUN TO THEM AND HOLD ONTO THEM FOR DEAR LIFE AND GET THEM TO SIGN EVERYTHING IN YOUR NAME. And don’t let them ride the vehicle they always do (Somebody could have messed with the brakes, duh). Take a rickshaw or bus or just don’t let them go out. They’re proly gonna die.
And that’s all for now 😀
Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed any lessons worth learning and the three serials you really want/ wanted to end! For me, I think its that annoying Gopi bahu one, with those badass crazy 5 saas-es she has, Yeh rishta blah blah and cuz Ms. Maqsood insists, Balika Vadhu!
Miss Maqsood: also insists on putting a ban on all TV serials that fulfill the above mentioned pre-requistes. Also will be starting a “swach television abhiyaan” feel free to join.
I hope you’ve enjoyed it! And if you have, then PLEEEEEEEEASEE share, share and SHARE!
Nawabi Musings 