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When the journey is greater than the destination

 

They say its not about the destination, its about the journey. It’s the journey- the experiences, the memories, the struggle, that we look back at.  But lets be honest, if we didn’t want to get somewhere, we wouldn’t be on that road in the first place.

Sometimes, the road to a place is so long, so winding and so exhausting that it takes away the joy of having reached.  So long that you sometimes lose sight of where you’re heading. So winding that you sometimes doubt yourself. So exhausting that when you reach you have no spirit left to feel the happiness, the exhilaration, the success. Instead, the only thing you feel is relief. Not for having reached, but because its over. Wherever it may have brought you, the fact that you are now done walking is the biggest comfort. There are no more miles to go.

Some people would say those journeys aren’t worth it. But its not about being worth the struggle. Its about your dreams , your plans, your expectations of the end not weighing over the sweat and tears of the struggle. When it takes too long, and it becomes too hard, it seems like nothing can be worth the wait. Because you’ve lost more than you can ever get back. You’ve sacrificed more than you can ever be appreciated. You’ve been broken more than you can build yourself. you’ve hurt more than you can be healed.

Does that mean we stop walking? Or does that mean that we change our destination? It means neither. It means that even though the end may never be beautiful enough to wipe away the scars of the road or that even though the comfort of a waking dream may never be warm enough to wipe away the cold of the nightmares you fought, you walk on. It means that even if your eyes may be too dry to shed tears of happiness as they’ve cried too many tears of pain, you walk on.

Is it always worth it? Who is to say if it is. Maybe, i will tell you once im there.

Falak

From the archives – 17 April 2016

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Waiting for.

I was thinking today about patience. Theres two things to it.
The real test of patience is when nothing is in your control. Waiting. Waiting for your body to heal.Waiting for things to get better. Waiting for the situation to change. Waiting for a heart to change. Waiting for someone to come around. Waiting for an opportunity. Waiting for a door to open up.Waiting to find your own peace. Or happiness. Or courage. … how do you wait when u cant do anything? how do you sleep when all that runs thru ur mind is “who? how? what? when? where?” you simply have to watch and wait. as your hands itch and your chest heaves in frustration, your mind tries to think of things u can “do” to make something happen and your heart hopes with every last bit of strength, you realise how truly powerless and helpless we are.Saying Alhumdulillah on days we muster some strength, and whispering inshAllah on days we find none… When you have to step back from your own life and let go. Watch the days, turn into weeks, turn into months.That is patience. After patience, comes tawakkul.
 
but wait for what if theres no guarantee? no reassurance? no promise? what if you dont know what lies ahead? if things will get better? so, the waiting is hard enough but when you dont know what you are waiting for, what is that? i dont know. its terrifying. Wait for what when all you can see is darkness ahead and you dont know if there is light ahead? Wait for what when you dont know where the way is going, if anywhere at all? Where is the comfort in these times? Why bother moving ahead?
Because our hearts and lives thrive on hope. Because the human heart is shameless like that. To be honest, for all my fancy talk, i know very little of the Quran or tafsir. But theres a bit from surah kahf, that i love. I heard it while thinking about all this today, and that, i think, is my guarantee. my promise. and my reassurance. Its out of context, but i know its my answer.
“……ever is the promise of my Lord true.” 18:98.
What promise, you ask? whichever promise you are looking for. For me, it is “For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” 94:5-6. Not only are you assured, but you are reassured, in those words that are repeated.

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In these times, you realise what a blessing is the hand of a loved one to hold. Or shoulder to cry on. To hear words of comfort from a familiar voice or a smile that warms your heart. And those who cant find either in these moments, we have another blessing. A loved one to kneel in front of and ask.(Al waduud)
Of course, all this sounds poetic for me to write and you to read, but to live thru it, is neither poetic nor easy. May Allah ease every single one of your pain and problems, because only He knows the struggles we all live thru. May we all be given the blessing of holding loved ones, crying in their arms, comforting voices and warming smiles ❤
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Mush things: Magic And Miracles

its 2am and the city is asleep.
and like they say, the only ones awake are those in love or those looking for it or those healing from it.
but theres a last kind too, those talking to You.

Dear God,
send me your miracle because you know better than anyone else i need it.
send me your miracle because i believe you can change hearts and open doors.
send me your miracle because i know youve been watching my tears and listening to my prayers, every single one of them. the ones in quiet solitude, the ones in busy crowds, the ones in joy, the ones in gratitude, the ones in longing, the ones in sadness and the ones in desire.
send me your miracle because all the ones i see remind me that you must have one for me too.
send me your miracle because my biggest dreams can be your smallest commands.
send me your miracle because in this vast universe filled with burning stars, you still kindle my spark.
send me your miracle because the path to unraveling my destiny is only in your hands.
send me your miracle because you can make happen what we can never imagine.
send me your miracle because i believe in your magic.and i believe in You.
and magic and miracles only come to those who believe in them.
With endless faith in my heart,
Falak

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Mush Things: Naked Souls

The greatest level of emotional intimacy has got to be vulnerability. If sex is the highest level of physical intimacy, then vulnerability is the equivalent emotional nakedness.
Our generation prides itself on its ability to not dive deep into relationships, to keep things simple, to stay detached and unemotional, because thats the new cool.
Thats exactly where i would like to move away from the crowd, because when it comes to this, i’d rather be old school. I cant do detached and flings and cold emotions and half assed relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cant lie about who i am. I’d rather cut off than pretend to be someone im not.but that also means i cant hide parts of myself away.

Vulnerabilities are so extremely personal. I think thats the last part of yourself that you open up to someone. When they’ve proven themself worthy of your trust, when you’ve found a certain comfort level with them and after a significant amount of time has been invested into your relationship, do people usually think about delving into their vulnerabilities. And that probably is the smart thing to do. Because opening up your vulnerabilities, is basically baring your soul. Opening up about your insecurities, mistakes, anxieties, fears. In a world thats so quick to judge things and people, these kind of things are a big risk to take. Once you tell them, about what scares you, what your deepest fear is, what you still cant forgive and forget, what truly does make you insecure, what your biggest regrets are, the moments that follow are the ones that can really intimidate you because they will determine that persons place in your life and where your relationship will go now.

They can mock you, they can be horrified, then can belittle you, they can judge you, they can get scared and back off, they can throw it in your face later, they can use it against you.
OR they can embrace you, accept you, understand you, comfort you and take your trust in them to a place of security and loyalty.
Noone really ever knows how anyone will react. This could go both ways. And it is for this reason that opening up this part of oneself is what people reserve for a selected few, if any at all. Why would you hand your weakness to someone else ? Why would you give someone the power to break you? Why would you let them hurt you where it hurts the most?

But why is it that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness? Why is it the last step of opening up to someone?

Sharing your vulnerability shouldnt be weakness. Im not sure if it can be strength, but i dont want to think of it as weakness. It requires great courage to bare your soul. Especially when the whole world is trying to tell you things about being self sufficient and to not worry too much about the emotional spectrum. In handing someone your weakness, you become stronger knowing where the next blow could come from. In giving them the power to break you, you prepare yourself to be shattered. In letting them possibly hurt you where it hurts most, you actually build an immunity for the pain.

It shouldnt be the last step in opening up to someone. It should be the first. Afterall, if this determines whether or not they are capable of sharing a relationship with you, then why wait till you’ve grown attached to them and have started to trust them and see them as an integral part of your life? If this is the litmus test, lets get it done with right in the beginning. So we know who to hold onto and who to let go. Why waste all that time building up a relationship and investing time into it, only to find out they never deserved it in the first place?

This time, i’ll start from the end. This time, i’ll bare my soul to you before i let you in my heart. This time, will you be good enough to last?

Love,
Falak

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Mush things: Of belonging and being

Nobody ever is yours and truly yours alone. Unfortunately, contrary to what they may want to promise you, its just not possible.

Our lives are an intangible mess of intricately entwined relationships. You can never isolate yourself from all of them for any single one. Nobody can belong to one person alone.

They belong to their God and then themself. They are their parents’, their siblings’, their friends’, their spouse’s, their children’s, their boss’s. They belong to their past; their mistakes and lessons, their todays; their struggles and efforts, and their tomorrows; their hopes and dreams.

Unless you both are living in an extraordinarily unreal setting, or some kind of warped existence where only you both exist, such as your own little independent island thats disconnected from the rest of the world, its not happening.

But even then, how long would that last? How long can you both live till a third being takes claim? How long till the very company that you so craved starts suffocating you and you realise that you do need someone or something else to belong to?

Consider this utopian setting: just you both on an island, and somehow self sufficient. You would live together and then maybe eventually get married, if you believe in that kinda stuff. If you do, then that means you acknowledge God and religion, and somewhere there is a part of you that in its devotion to God, belongs to God.

Or maybe you would eventually have children. And then things really change. People react to parenthood with a kind of unexpected love that supersedes all. The ones that have never really felt emotions evolve into selfless beings with a profound newly discovered love, and the ones that have always understood the emotional spectrum, love deeper and harder. And you belong to your children now.

Either way, your solitary claim on them and their solitary commitment to you, doesnt apply anymore. It could, but you’d have to take out the “solitary” clause from it.

Or even worse, you’d get tired of having each other and noone else. You need more than one person in your life to maintain a healthy state of mind. I dont think i need to explain this, theres countless articles and pieces written out there, that tell people in relationships and marriages to not make ‘your significant other’ the center of your world. That can work only so long before your universe crashes. They can be the moon that comes, shines and goes. They cant be the sun to light everything up, day and night.

When its not possible even in an ideal imaginary world, then in this flawed and twisted world, its just a sweet nothing. And all i can say is that, if somebody, in all their honest innocent love, vows to you that they are ‘only yours’, then consider them as someone who could give you the world IF they could. But they CANT.  And for the sake of your emotional sanity, dont believe it when they say they are ‘only yours’, because they ARENT. Just because they could, doesnt mean they can. In the wise words of Miss Maqsood, ‘Such is life’ 😦

And maybe that is why we say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.” in the most upsetting and heartbreaking of life’s incidences such as death.  To remind ourselves, ke jab hum khud ke nahi ho sakte hain, toh koi aur hamara kaise ho sakta hai? Jo khaliq ka hai, woh makhlooq ka kaise ho sakta hai? Shayad mohobbat ki yahi kashish hai, ke jo hum khud ke liye nahi kar paatey hum woh doosrey ke liye karna chahte hain.

On these little poetic urdu lines, that are making me feel like a proud  Ghaliba right now, i will sign off.
Love, Falak