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Night of the Scorpion*

Once, I found a pretty piece of glass, and to say that I was fond of it will be quite an understatement. It had smooth edges, so smooth that I wouldn’t tire running my hands along them. It was always tucked carefully in my bag, but one day it fell and shattered to pieces. 

Pieces, like those of a jigsaw puzzle; I glued them together. But the edges weren’t familiar, they weren’t soft and smooth like I loved them. I tested them against my palm, that didn’t help but it surely left cuts on my right palm. They were ragged. I tried rubbing them against the wall, it chipped the paint off. Then, I wondered if my table could ease them out, but it left numerous nicks on the polished surface of the tabletop. 

Then, I realized, with our little minds and big hearts, we try hard to mend things and we go out of our way to cushion the broken pieces, to rectify our and their mistakes, to restore and undo the damage, but what we don’t see is; in the process of amendment, we hurt ourselves again and again. We bruise our hearts, some things are better left un-mended and broken. If we didn’t have broken pieces, we wouldn’t learn; sometimes, it is better to leave the shards of a glass to be just that. Tuck them away in a safe corner. And just let everything be. Let go and let be. 

*I know this has nothing to do with Nissim Ezekiel poem, I used the title coz I wanted to name this Night of Realization but Night Of the Scorpion was all I could hear in my head. Realization bit me like Scorpion bit Nissim’s mother. 

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Just Be.

This year, I’d like to remind myself to Just Be,
No matter the situation  I am in,
Or the people I am with,
When the time needs, I shall Just Be
Unabashedly myself, Just Be.
When the times get tough,
And the circumstances tougher,
I won’t put a mask of the toughest
But let the tides take me down for a while,
Rest there, take my time and Just Be.
When the whirlwind of emotions takes over me
I shall embrace them all, befriend them
accept them as a part of me and Just Be.
This year, I will fight one breath at a time,
I will grow, one step at a time,
and live life, one day at a time.
And I will remind myself each moment
Not to lose but hold and help myself
and Just Be, as raw as I can be, I shall Just Be.

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This is too late for “New Year Resolutions” and I am not really a resolution kind of person but this time I have few small milestones to cross, I shall try my best to hop over them gracefully, God willingly. 🙂

P.S: I know this is too raw but hey I just told myself I will be raw 😉

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Mush things: Magic And Miracles

its 2am and the city is asleep.
and like they say, the only ones awake are those in love or those looking for it or those healing from it.
but theres a last kind too, those talking to You.

Dear God,
send me your miracle because you know better than anyone else i need it.
send me your miracle because i believe you can change hearts and open doors.
send me your miracle because i know youve been watching my tears and listening to my prayers, every single one of them. the ones in quiet solitude, the ones in busy crowds, the ones in joy, the ones in gratitude, the ones in longing, the ones in sadness and the ones in desire.
send me your miracle because all the ones i see remind me that you must have one for me too.
send me your miracle because my biggest dreams can be your smallest commands.
send me your miracle because in this vast universe filled with burning stars, you still kindle my spark.
send me your miracle because the path to unraveling my destiny is only in your hands.
send me your miracle because you can make happen what we can never imagine.
send me your miracle because i believe in your magic.and i believe in You.
and magic and miracles only come to those who believe in them.
With endless faith in my heart,
Falak

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Mush Things: Naked Souls

The greatest level of emotional intimacy has got to be vulnerability. If sex is the highest level of physical intimacy, then vulnerability is the equivalent emotional nakedness.
Our generation prides itself on its ability to not dive deep into relationships, to keep things simple, to stay detached and unemotional, because thats the new cool.
Thats exactly where i would like to move away from the crowd, because when it comes to this, i’d rather be old school. I cant do detached and flings and cold emotions and half assed relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cant lie about who i am. I’d rather cut off than pretend to be someone im not.but that also means i cant hide parts of myself away.

Vulnerabilities are so extremely personal. I think thats the last part of yourself that you open up to someone. When they’ve proven themself worthy of your trust, when you’ve found a certain comfort level with them and after a significant amount of time has been invested into your relationship, do people usually think about delving into their vulnerabilities. And that probably is the smart thing to do. Because opening up your vulnerabilities, is basically baring your soul. Opening up about your insecurities, mistakes, anxieties, fears. In a world thats so quick to judge things and people, these kind of things are a big risk to take. Once you tell them, about what scares you, what your deepest fear is, what you still cant forgive and forget, what truly does make you insecure, what your biggest regrets are, the moments that follow are the ones that can really intimidate you because they will determine that persons place in your life and where your relationship will go now.

They can mock you, they can be horrified, then can belittle you, they can judge you, they can get scared and back off, they can throw it in your face later, they can use it against you.
OR they can embrace you, accept you, understand you, comfort you and take your trust in them to a place of security and loyalty.
Noone really ever knows how anyone will react. This could go both ways. And it is for this reason that opening up this part of oneself is what people reserve for a selected few, if any at all. Why would you hand your weakness to someone else ? Why would you give someone the power to break you? Why would you let them hurt you where it hurts the most?

But why is it that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness? Why is it the last step of opening up to someone?

Sharing your vulnerability shouldnt be weakness. Im not sure if it can be strength, but i dont want to think of it as weakness. It requires great courage to bare your soul. Especially when the whole world is trying to tell you things about being self sufficient and to not worry too much about the emotional spectrum. In handing someone your weakness, you become stronger knowing where the next blow could come from. In giving them the power to break you, you prepare yourself to be shattered. In letting them possibly hurt you where it hurts most, you actually build an immunity for the pain.

It shouldnt be the last step in opening up to someone. It should be the first. Afterall, if this determines whether or not they are capable of sharing a relationship with you, then why wait till you’ve grown attached to them and have started to trust them and see them as an integral part of your life? If this is the litmus test, lets get it done with right in the beginning. So we know who to hold onto and who to let go. Why waste all that time building up a relationship and investing time into it, only to find out they never deserved it in the first place?

This time, i’ll start from the end. This time, i’ll bare my soul to you before i let you in my heart. This time, will you be good enough to last?

Love,
Falak

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Mush things: Of belonging and being

Nobody ever is yours and truly yours alone. Unfortunately, contrary to what they may want to promise you, its just not possible.

Our lives are an intangible mess of intricately entwined relationships. You can never isolate yourself from all of them for any single one. Nobody can belong to one person alone.

They belong to their God and then themself. They are their parents’, their siblings’, their friends’, their spouse’s, their children’s, their boss’s. They belong to their past; their mistakes and lessons, their todays; their struggles and efforts, and their tomorrows; their hopes and dreams.

Unless you both are living in an extraordinarily unreal setting, or some kind of warped existence where only you both exist, such as your own little independent island thats disconnected from the rest of the world, its not happening.

But even then, how long would that last? How long can you both live till a third being takes claim? How long till the very company that you so craved starts suffocating you and you realise that you do need someone or something else to belong to?

Consider this utopian setting: just you both on an island, and somehow self sufficient. You would live together and then maybe eventually get married, if you believe in that kinda stuff. If you do, then that means you acknowledge God and religion, and somewhere there is a part of you that in its devotion to God, belongs to God.

Or maybe you would eventually have children. And then things really change. People react to parenthood with a kind of unexpected love that supersedes all. The ones that have never really felt emotions evolve into selfless beings with a profound newly discovered love, and the ones that have always understood the emotional spectrum, love deeper and harder. And you belong to your children now.

Either way, your solitary claim on them and their solitary commitment to you, doesnt apply anymore. It could, but you’d have to take out the “solitary” clause from it.

Or even worse, you’d get tired of having each other and noone else. You need more than one person in your life to maintain a healthy state of mind. I dont think i need to explain this, theres countless articles and pieces written out there, that tell people in relationships and marriages to not make ‘your significant other’ the center of your world. That can work only so long before your universe crashes. They can be the moon that comes, shines and goes. They cant be the sun to light everything up, day and night.

When its not possible even in an ideal imaginary world, then in this flawed and twisted world, its just a sweet nothing. And all i can say is that, if somebody, in all their honest innocent love, vows to you that they are ‘only yours’, then consider them as someone who could give you the world IF they could. But they CANT.  And for the sake of your emotional sanity, dont believe it when they say they are ‘only yours’, because they ARENT. Just because they could, doesnt mean they can. In the wise words of Miss Maqsood, ‘Such is life’ 😦

And maybe that is why we say, “Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.” in the most upsetting and heartbreaking of life’s incidences such as death.  To remind ourselves, ke jab hum khud ke nahi ho sakte hain, toh koi aur hamara kaise ho sakta hai? Jo khaliq ka hai, woh makhlooq ka kaise ho sakta hai? Shayad mohobbat ki yahi kashish hai, ke jo hum khud ke liye nahi kar paatey hum woh doosrey ke liye karna chahte hain.

On these little poetic urdu lines, that are making me feel like a proud  Ghaliba right now, i will sign off.
Love, Falak